keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?