I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
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Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Every BBC series about the universe.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden: