I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
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Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.