Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
You Might Also Like
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
#titanic
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.