WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
You Might Also Like
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.