If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?