These dogs look like they have good credit.
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OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
dream blunt rotation
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions