Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
shampoo implies shampee
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock