Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Pigeon open mic night.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?