The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row