[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
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He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I love wikipedia
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
describing stardew valley
I bet
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them