#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
You Might Also Like
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first