It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.