journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
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My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out