*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH