My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
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My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I’m not wrong
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.