Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help