[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me