Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
You Might Also Like
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I remember when things only cost an arm.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah