I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise