When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
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Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
We need to put an American base on the sun
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it