I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
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My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
is this how new cars are made??
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??