Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Easy enough.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww