What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
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The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭