*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle