That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
You Might Also Like
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
San Francisco has too many rules
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.