Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
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“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Every time.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
i hate you platonically
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.