At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
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First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank