After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
#parenting
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.