“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Thinking about Jeff
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded