The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.