I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
catch me on valentine’s day like
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together