I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever