ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
“You’d better run, egg!”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.