Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
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[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?