cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
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*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.