satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Human are so complicated