I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
You have been warned.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
(before sex)
*sings national anthem