agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.