Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
You Might Also Like
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.