Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
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If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
She: I like Cats
He:
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*