My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Meat Cute
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
never compromise your values
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.