Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
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Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done