Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
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I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.