I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
You Might Also Like
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
drew a comic about my origin story
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I need better friends
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead