*puts words between two asterisks*
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
This made me smile…
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House