Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Holy shit he’s back
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments