Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
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Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Yup
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!