I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?