I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
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I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs